


This is Witchcraft!

by RangerLauren



Series: Carnaberg Heck [3]
Category: Cuphead (Video Game)
Genre: And Djimmi is a sneaky sneak, Both are actually in this one woah, Cagney still hates everything, Cala freaks out some more but it's fine, F/M, Gen, We back bois, With this crazy ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 15:51:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14428962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerLauren/pseuds/RangerLauren
Summary: Cagney has his first counseling session with Djimmi while Cala Maria tries not to ruin everything.





	This is Witchcraft!

**Author's Note:**

> Yo yo yo yo we back with the Carnaberg bois
> 
> Things be getting real  
> Kind of I guess idk
> 
> But anyway hope you guys enjoyyyyyy

Overnight, Djimmi had compiled a schedule of what to discuss during Cagney’s sessions. There was certainly a lot, but nothing he couldn't handle. He had done these lessons many, many times in his day, although he would admit none of his clients were as stubborn as the carnation. Still, he believed Cagney would be willing to listen to his advice, even if it took a little coaxing.

He heard a knock on his door a couple of minutes before noon, right on time. He rose out of his hammock and made for the entrance while his porcelain cats brushed against his legs. He pushed one of the sandstone bricks that made up the wall of the pyramid. The door slid down into the ground, revealing a very confused-looking Cagney on the other side.

“Good to see you, friend!” Djimmi said.

Cagney blinked. “Uh, yeah. You too.”

“Come in, come in.” Djimmi waved him inside, raising the door behind them. “Would you like anything? Tea, cookies, maybe a sandwich?”

“I’m good,” Cagney replied curtly. He made his way over to the living room, looking around. “Interesting place you've got here,” he remarked, eyeing the hammock and the plush sofa.

“It's vintage,” Djimmi stated. He walked up to the carnation, gently placing a hand on his wiry back. “Sit down, make yourself at home.”

Cagney shied away from his touch and plopped down on the sofa. “You’re being really nice,” he observed, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Djimmi scoffed. He was being an extra nice host so Cagney would be more willing to talk, but of course he couldn't say that out loud. “Nonsense, just showing some hospitality for a close friend.”

“Uh-huh,” Cagney grunted.

Djimmi summoned his magic carpet and sat in front of him, crossing his legs. “Go ahead and get comfortable,” said the genie, taking out a fresh sheet of parchment. “We might be here a while.”

“Fantastic,” Cagney drawled, slouching. “You never told me what we’re doing.”

“I’m helping you,” Djimmi said matter-of-factly.

“How the hell is this helping?” Cagney hissed. 

Djimmi chose to ignore the carnation’s snarky comment. He whipped out his quill and quickly scratched a heading on the parchment. “How long have you liked Hilda?”

“Wha...I--what?” Cagney spluttered, growing red in the face. “Why does it matter?”

Djimmi looked up at his friend, scanning him much like a therapist would a patient. “Do you know what happens to emotions when you bottle them up for too long?”

“Um…” Cagney looked slightly uncomfortable. “No?”

“They explode,” Djimmi said simply. “That’s why I need to know.”

Cagney was silent for a while. He sank further into the velvet cushions of the sofa. “I dunno, a couple years.”

Djimmi nearly dropped his quill in shock. He knew the crush had lasted a decent length of time, but he didn't think it would be that long. He was very glad he had made this lesson the first, before Cagney spilled over.

“Golly,” he remarked. “That’s a long time, huh?”

“I guess,” Cagney mumbled, shrugging his shoulders.

Djimmi shot him a trademark grin. “Well, lucky for you, I’m prepared. For the next hour or so, I want you to cut it loose.”

Cagney furrowed his brow. “Cut what loose?”

“Those pesky emotions of yours.” Djimmi tapped the tip of his quill on the parchment. “It’ll be good to rant to someone. Go ahead, don't be shy.”

Cagney looked incredibly confused, almost terrified. “What do you mean, ‘rant?’ What am I supposed to say?”

“Anything,” Djimmi replied. “Tell me what you like about her. Tell me things about her that you find cute or interesting, maybe even insufferable.”

“This is stupid,” Cagney complained.

“You’ll thank me later,” Djimmi reassured him. He held his quill at the ready. “I’m ready when you are.”

Cagney’s eyes widened. “You’re going to write it down, too? Nuh-uh, there’s no way I’m doing that.”

Djimmi frowned. “I'm going to listen to it anyway. I might as well write it down.”

“No way,” Cagney protested. “I'm not having this crap on the records for all to see.”

“Don't worry, no one else will see this,” Djimmi promised.

Cagney didn’t respond, instead crossing his arms and looking away. Djimmi sighed. He had hoped the carnation would agree to his plan, but he should have known that Cagney would be much too wary. Oh well, at least Plan B was fun.

“What’s her favorite color?” he asked casually.

“Red,” Cagney answered instantly. There was a brief pause before he realized what he had just said. “Wha--hey!”

Djimmi chuckled, a sly grin on his face as he wrote down the answer. 

“How did you do that?” Cagney demanded.

“Do what?” the genie asked all-too innocently.

“You know.” Cagney gestured wildly with his hands. “What you just did.”

“I'm helping you, like I said I would,” Djimmi said matter-of-factly. “Favorite musician?”

“Mozart.” Cagney’s eyes widened, and the color drained from his face. “Stop that!”

Djimmi couldn't help but laugh again. He didn't know why he never started with Plan B; it was both effective and hilarious. “Stop what? You’re the one answering.”

“This is witchcraft!” Cagney bolted off the couch and made a break for the door. He attempted to find the brick that opened up his escape, smacking the wall desperately. Djimmi slowly advanced towards him, still on his carpet, effectively trapping Cagney against the wall.

“I can do this all day,” he said smugly. “I’ve heard she goes to that little dessert cafe outside Bon Bon’s. What does she order?”

Cagney slammed his forehead against the wall. “Cherry cheesecake, hold the chocolate, extra whipped cream.” He stared at Djimmi like he’d just been possessed. “Stop!”

“Face it, Cagney,” Djimmi stated, looking up from his parchment. “You have two choices here: either you tell me, or I force it out of you.”

Cagney let out a screech. “Never!”

Djimmi pursed his lips. So, Cagney was going to do this the hard way? That was fine by him. “Suit yourself.”

“NOOOOOO!”

\---

Cala Maria could hardly contain herself. Her excited flailing stirred up massive waves that occasionally washed over her companions, and her squeals nearly shattered every nearby window. If it weren't for her friends, she surely would have destroyed the entire second isle.

She couldn't help it, though: this was so exciting! The idea of Cagney getting together with someone was a thought that didn't often cross her mind. It just didn't seem likely, with how grumpy he could get. But now, it could very well be a thing.

Even better, it was _Hilda_ he liked. Cala heard a lot about the two and their...interesting endeavors. Sparring, pranking, the occasional vandalizing of Goopy’s tree: she wasn't a fan of those things herself, but they were perfect for the duo’s destructive nature.

Cala let out another shriek. Ugh, just thinking about them being together sent her into a frenzy. She couldn't wait until Djimmi came back to them with a solid plan.

Rumor patted the mermaid’s much larger hand. “Calm down, dear, or you’ll burst,” she said with a small chuckle.

Bon Bon shook saltwater off of her parasol. “Yeah, you sound like you’re about to have a heart attack.”

Cala took a few deep breaths. “Sorry, sorry! I’m just so excited!”

“I'll say,” Sally giggled. She gazed in the direction of Djimmi’s pyramid, barely visible past Beppi’s rollercoaster and the crowds of people. “How do you think it's going in there?”

“Terrible,” Bon Bon stated bluntly.

Sally looked taken aback. “Well, I…wouldn't think it would be _that_ bad.”

“Djimmi’s definitely using Plan B, but even with that, Cagney's still stubborn as a mule. As much as I want this to happen, I highly doubt he’ll talk for the first few meetings,” Bon Bon explained.

Cala knew her friend was right, but that didn't stop her. “Maybe there will be a miracle!”

“There you guys are!”

Cala turned her head to see Hilda pedaling towards them in her zeppelin form. The mermaid let out an excited squeal and waved. “Hilda, you’re back! We hoped you would be up by now.”

“How was your nap?” Sally teased.

Hilda touched down among them, reverting to her normal form with a shudder. She glared half-heartedly at them. “It went alright, I guess. Didn't appreciate the threats, though. Especially from you, Bon Bon.”

The Baroness snickered. “Admit it, that was hilarious.”

Hilda rolled her eyes. “So what are you hooligans doing out here?”

Cala beamed. She couldn’t wait to let her friend in on the action. “Oh my God, Hilda, you won't believe what’s happening! Djimmi-!”

She paused mid-sentence upon feeling Bon Bon’s parasol smack against her arm. She frowned, feeling betrayed. “Hey, what was that for?”

Bon Bon glared at her. “We’re not supposed to talk about it, remember?” she whispered.

Cala gasped. In her excitement, she had already forgotten about the fact that it was a secret. “Oh, right.”

Hilda raised an eyebrow. “What’s this about Djimmi?”

“He’s working his magic right now,” Rumor said. “We’re waiting for him to be done so we can hear what happened.”

“Oh, you mean the matchmaking thing?” Hilda stuck out her tongue. “Dorks.”

Hilda wasn't into romance, unlike the rest of her friends, so that meant she wasn't as aware of Djimmi’s influence on the couples of Inkwell. That also meant she had no idea Cagney was meeting with the genie as they spoke and wouldn't ever have the interest of knowing. If they didn't say anything, that is.

“Oh, Hilda!” Sally piped up. “That reminds me: Harold and I are thinking about a date night sometime next week. You mind giving me the forecast?”

Hilda responded immediately. “Sure. It’ll rain all day on Monday, but the rest of the week looks like clear skies.”

Cala flashed Sally a smile and a thumbs-up. Sally had always been a good liar, probably because she was an actress. Cala didn't know how she did it without having a nervous breakdown. She looked over and noticed Rumor writing down the weather report on a scrap of paper.

“Have you guys seen Cagney today?” Hilda asked. “He’s not in his garden, unless he’s being grumpy underground.”

Cala tried very, very hard not to say anything, but it was such an exciting time she found it difficult. She pressed her fists against her mouth, feeling the words threatening to slip out. She could also feel Bon Bon’s gaze boring into her.

“Haven't seen him,” Sally said cooly. 

Hilda pouted. “Darn, I was hoping to go visit him. He’s been acting really weird for the past few days. I wanted to make sure he was doing alright.”

“Aww!” Cala cooed before she could stop herself.

“What?” Hilda asked, looking confused.

Cala swallowed hard, realizing she had to fix this fast. “Sorry! I just...thought of a cute dog I saw earlier this morning. Golly, it was adorable. You should have seen it, Hilds, it was _so_ ado-”

Bon Bon smacked her friend with her parasol once more. “I think she gets it.”

Hilda snickered. “Okay then. Well, I’ll leave you guys to your matchmaking stuff. It sure sounds riveting.”

“You up for tea later, dear?” Rumor offered. “You still have bags under your eyes. I think I have something for that.”

“Sure,” Hilda said with a shrug. She paused. “Is it really that noticeable?”

“Yes,” Bon Bon deadpanned.

 _“Bon,”_ Sally whined.

Hilda pretended to look offended and failed. She turned away and sucked in a lungful of air, transforming back into a zeppelin with a quick twirl. “See ya!” she called down to them as she pedaled away.

“Bye, Hilda!” Cala waved back.

“That could have gone a lot smoother,” Bon Bon muttered as soon as the sylph was out of earshot.

“Well, the important thing is that she doesn't suspect anything,” Rumor pointed out. “Djimmi doesn't need any distractions.”

Cala glanced over at the pyramid, the tip barely visible even from her height. She wondered how the session was going. As much as she wanted to disagree, Bon Bon was probably right when said it wouldn't go very well; she didn't know much about Cagney, but she knew he wasn't the most open of people. Chances are, Djimmi was still trying to get at least one answer out of him.

\---

“She’s got a pretty voice. Nice to listen to, even when she’s mad at me.”

Cagney was sprawled out across the couch therapy-style, his petals hanging off the arm. He stared into space with a faraway look in his eyes. A few of Djimmi’s cats were snoozing on his stem, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact, it didn’t even look like he noticed.

Djimmi was still sitting on his carpet, frantically trying to scribble down every word the carnation uttered. His hand was stained with ink and ached horribly. He had believed it would take a lot more to get Cagney to talk, but two hours and 40 feet of parchment later, he was proven wrong.

“Her laugh too. She doesn't like it all that much, but I think it's cute.”

Djimmi nodded a little as he wrote that down, staying quiet. It wasn't like he would be able to get a word in, anyway. It had taken a little while for the carnation to get going, but once he did, there was no stopping him.

“I try to make her laugh so I can hear it. Luckily she can appreciate a guy’s humor ad doesn’t get offended easily.” Cagney folded his arms under his head. “Especially with insults and all that. Being able to brush off that kind of stuff and dish it back out: it’s respectable, you know?”

Djimmi silently agreed. He knew how nasty Cagney could get when on the wrong side of the bed, especially back during the soul contract issue. The fact that Hilda remained unaffected by his teasing was pretty admirable.

Cagney suddenly blinked, looking confused. “...How long have I been here?”

Djimmi casually glanced at the clock on the wall. “Few hours.”

Cagney sat ramrod straight, sending the cats on his stem flying across the room. “Wait, really?” He too looked at the time, and his eyes widened. “Wow, I didn’t think it was that long. What the heck happened?”

“You cut it loose,” Djimmi said with a grin, beginning to roll up the dozens of feet of parchment. “Remember what I said about your emotions overflowing? You’ve been holding them back for so long, all it took was me asking about Hilda to get you to spill the beans. A couple hours ago, I asked what you liked about her, and you hadn’t stopped until just now.”

Cagney processed this for a long time, then put his head in his hands with a dreary sigh. “Oh God, I didn’t say anything stupid, did I?”

“No. I mean, there were some things I certainly didn’t expect you to say, but it wasn’t anything bad. It was cute, actually.” Djimmi inwardly chuckled at the memory of grumpy Cagney first pouring out his feelings.

“That doesn’t help,” Cagney deadpanned. “This is the weirdest thing I've ever done.”

Djimmi shot him a sly look. “But, you feel better, right?”

Cagney opened his mouth to argue, only to find that he couldn’t. “I, uh…” He scratched the back of his neck. “I guess?”

“Good,” Djimmi beamed as he gathered the last of the parchment. “In that case, same time tomorrow?”

“Wait, again?” Cagney gaped.

“Of course. We’re going to keep doing it until you’re used to it.” Djimmi floated over to the door and tapped on the brick that opened it. “Don’t worry, there will be a lot more probing and personal questions.”

Cagney glared daggers at the genie. “I hate you and that stupid smirk on your face.”

“Have a nice night!” Djimmi exclaimed cheerfully, gently pushing the carnation out the door.


End file.
